Monday, 11 March 2013

March 11

The Day started off with me picking Molly up close to her block, We walked to school, Smoked together and talked about how she was rushing and forgot alot of things to bring to school. While we're at school we had some problems with Bob and Molly's group. About how they keep on annoying her of wanting her to change groups. I don't wanna talk about it because it hurts and i can't even do anything about it because i'm fucking worthless.

I'll try my best to make this Post successful by covering up what we did for today. It hurts me damn badly. I just don't know how to help her and seeing her in pain is fucking hurtful when i can't help her God fuck me.

Syafiq called her the night before and yup. You know, you could've just told me about it and, i know i'm not anyone fuck. i can't do this i'm sorry.

March 10 (Longest Text EVER)

Molly really put in her heart and soul into this text.....right. Lol just Kidding! :D
But this is the longest Text I've received. Even my ex didn't send texts this long. ;] But i'm too lazy to read it so who cares? ;-D Jk.

21:28, 10 Mar

Good night (My Name). :D Please know that although i might have gone through bitter past,  and still striving my way to the exit of the dark tunnel, that i Believe i would see the light         sooner or later. And i want u to knw tht i don't have to be weak, i can choose between being       weak and strong. And i thought tht whn u came into my life, i hafta be strong. Why would i          ever let someone new suffer? they don't even understand wht i've been thru back then. Maybe its a start. A start of me not being selfish. Besides, you deserved the best. You did everything u could for me, n i just feel like u deserve something from me. N that is when n why ur birthday surprise is being held. Idk wht im talking abt. Im sleepy. Bt i hope these typings make sense,    Im just typing wht comes out from ma brain. No time to edit my grammar or whatever.          Here's to goodnight. Oh hope you still remember this 'i believed that we are meant to be          friends, for god has brought us together again after the first attempt of being close to you        went awry'. Hope you know what's the meaning of awry though. Cheers n see you tmr dude.         

That was what Molly sent me and it means alot although i don't agree with certain parts of her Text. For One, I want Molly to realize that i'm there for her. That i want to be there for her. To be the Friend that gives her the extra push she needs. To be the friend who could make her Smile. To be the friend that crave for her happiness (Awkward..) But honestly, That's the kind of friend i'd like to become. To walk in the dark tunnel alone seeking for the bright light at the end. It made me feel like i'm not there for her. Like i'm not doing enough. I don't want her to go through her problems alone. I wanna be her listener to her problems, the friend who gives her advice to her problems, I want to be the friend that helps her through the dark tunnel guiding her with a torch in hand. 

Secondly, the Phrase "I though tht whn u came into my life, i hafta be strong. Why would i let someone new suffer?" The First part, " I though tht whn u came into my life, i hafta be strong." I don't want you to be strong just for me, I want you to be yourself. To be sad when you're sad. To be happy when you're happy. All these while, at times when she's in a bad mood, She dosn't want to talk about her problems and it kinda make me feel like i'm a stranger to her. It hurts deep inside but i keep reminding myself that we've just become friends. But at the same time, it made me feel worthless and Useless as a friend who can't even help her with her problems. Maybe she doesn't trust me that much to share personal problems. Maybe, If she even shares it, I won't understand and i'll just listen and can't help her in any way. I feel kinda useless now. I can't think positively now, i just feel sad that as a friend, i can't help her. There must be something i fail to do to make her open up to me. Maybe its too soon...but then again, There are the sad thoughts that i have for being useless.

"Why would i let someone new suffer?" Seeing you keeping your problems within you and not opening up to me, Kinda tells me that you don't trust me that much yet, That you don't know me too much yet. I don't want to change from the pressure and sadness of being worthless and hopeless as a friend. I hate to tell this to myself, but whenever Molly silance herself from me,  I always tell myself, Who am i to her? and the answer will always be the same...a Stranger who's always there with her and nothing else. A Stranger that's always by her side by nothing else. I'm just sad with myself for not being able to do much for her. I don't know and i try my hardest to keep my sadness at bay. I don't want you to realize it Molly...I don't want you to feel anything for me, not anymore...i just don't know what to think. I can't tell you this in person and i also don't want you to know about it. But i just can't hide it. This text you sent me is mostly heartbreaking for me. I suppose i have to be honest, I still love you, I still have feelings for you. But i secrificed it, Though they still linger around. you're just an amazing person, I posted countless times of how you're Faithful to the ones you love, that you're beautiful both inside and out, That i charish you soo much till it breaks my heart everytime i see you sad. Not being able to help you with your problems shatters me as i could just walk beside you while thinking deep how i could've helped you. But no words can fit into what i wanna say. 

I suppose i should secrifice my love for Molly entirely and find someone to fling with. Maybe..just maybe i'll get over the love for Molly and finally be able to be friends with you without any feelings of love for you. Damn...i'm holding back my tears and it hurts soo much. I'm sorry to post this kind of sad Miserable fucked up shits about my feelings. I hate myself. I hate how i Love you. I hate how i always worry for you. I hate how i keep falling for you
everyday. But fuck it and i'll sacrifice it again. I'll do something about it. Aha..damn.
Tenth March....Hate it.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

(Birthday Letter)

Hi what's up! happy 18 Birthday <3

You're eighteen today! Today will be remembered in so many lovely ways.
 I wish you will always stay the same.
The (My Name) I knew 1 month 2 days ago.
Thank-You for all the things that you have done for me all these while. Picking me up under my void deck despite having difficulties waking up early in the morning!! Sending me back home when you are exhausted just to keep me safe from danger. The talks we had in the library when you cried away with me. These endless sweet, cute treats and gifts you gave me They were special, especially when they are all from you! The presents i have given you do not manage to convey how thankful i am to have you part of my life. I'm glad to have you around! I believed that we are meant to be friends, for god has brought us together again after the first attempt of being close to you went away. Thank-you for acknowledging me when no one else did. You're mind-blowing! Thank-you for the love you showered me with. Thank-you for making your birthday sweeter by coating me. Hehe! :P I hope that you'll enjoy your day today to the fullest! =) i am honored to e here with you. HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY, (My name)!!!
Ps: Do not take advantage of your age to smoke more ciggarettes! :(
May God bless you always...

Always in my thoughts, (Her Real Name) <3

Friday, 8 March 2013

March 8 pt2 (Trouble in her heart)

Forgiving, Loyal to her friendship, Loving someone forever even after what they did to her. These are the main qualities that i love about Molly. And plus she's beautiful and sweet and cute and ik i treat her like my maid at times but she's special to me in alot of ways.

But while jogging, She told me that an Ex friend of her texted her saying that she missed Molly and all. Molly given her a second chance but never have she really appreciated Molly for Molly's Sacrifices in time and Money for her. ik money dosn't mean anything in friendships, well at least to me but it's just there.

Molly still loves "Her" but she also hates "Her".
She hates her for how "N" for short, Treated her like. How "N" never really appreciate Molly's sacrifices. They were close but perhaps from what i think is true about "N", She's one of those people whom takes Advantage of Molly. Throwing her around like an unused phone when they're happy. And taking her back when they're bored and have nothing better to do.
Thats what i felt about "N". And that is also what i told Molly.

But Molly loves "N" because of their History together. They spent alot of time together and they Bonded together like best friends. Even after all the Shits "N" did to Molly, It was obvious that Molly turned a blind eye just to keep her friendship with "N". But everyone has their limits and Soon, Molly pushed her away. Still, Molly blames herself and always asked if it was the right thing to do. Pushing people away that is.
"I pushed people away, People who don't deserve to be friends with me. People who don't deserve to have a friend like me."

That was what she said before and its an Eyeopener. Its True to what she said and it's damn straight up Reasonable but its also a strong sentence that we shouldn't use freely. For Molly's case, That sentance fits perfectly. She she's not to blame. It's her keeping herself safe and away from Heartaches that "N" might bring if she was given the chance.

But since i didn't know "N" that well and was just judging who "N" was from what Molly told me about her, I gave Molly two choices.
1. Molly gave "N" Another Chance and take the risk to friendship. Maybe "N" changed. Maybe their friendship might turn out beautiful this time..butt i have more doubts about this and i didn't think "N" Changed from what Molly told me. Plus, "N" was given a second chance  before to make up for her mistakes and to start their friendship anew. So this wasn't really the best option i can give.

2. The Second Option that Molly can follow is to continue doing what she always had done. To ignore "N"'s texts even though they're heartwarming and painful to read. But its just something Molly have to go through and move on about. To continue to ignore and live her life without turning back to look and recall back old memories with "N". Its sorta like you've written a long compo abt "N". And you read it back. Its painful and all. But to really help in moving on is to forget. It might be hard to forget. But with a Light or a matchstick, She'll be able to burn the Compo and in time forget what she wrote about "N". I wanna help Molly find that fire to burn her old painful memories. and i have just the thing for it. It might not be much but i hope what i'll give her on the eleventh of March might help her move on.
It'll be pethetic i swear but it soothes your mind if you know someone's going through such lengths just to make you feel better.

For me personally, I'll go with Option two. "N" Dosent deserve Molly and even after giving her a second chance, She still hasn't change. Chances might not mean anything but if it does, It'll mean a hell of alot. That's what i've learn to believe from Molly and i think that's a lesson i'll always remember. To love someone after all the shits they did to you. Do they love you the same way you love them?

After Jogging, we hung out with Billy as he came down and we talked about Various stuff like ways to train your legs, Fashions, "N", Religion and some various stuffs. I can't promise you anything...I don't know if i can even help you and be of use. But i'll try. You told me before that you can take care of your own life. But everyone needs someone behind them to support them when they're falling. I'll always be by your side.
                                                                        ThankYou Molly. Lots of Love from Me.

March 8 (Jogging With Molly)

March 8, Friday. No Class, No Plans and i was just sitting on my ass after waking up at 2pm and overslept after planning to head over to friday prayers. A Sin of Complacent that i'll have to atone for. So there i was at about 3pm with nothing on my mind. Bored to death, Used to the Ps3 games and got bored of it all. nothing to do on the internet that i cared to waste/Spend my time on. Before today, My phone's batt was already dead the night before and i came home late at abt 3am+. I Charged my phone (Without turning it on), Took a shower and hit the sack, Only to wake up at 2pm.

When i finally turned on my phone, all the messages came in. And most of them was from Marly and some from Billy. Billy invited me to Friday prayers and all and Marly, She was worried for me for i didn't replied to her messages as i both my phone and i was already dead/sleeping.

"Im Hme!tc!"
"U Hme yet?"
"Since im nt e first person to wish you on your birthday tday, i wanna b e last person to wish u then! Happy m18 *****(My name)! Hope u have had a gr8 day tday birthday boy! Goodnight n have a lovely dreams..:)"
"Need u now..:(" For this text, when i read it i was like...Shit..i wasn't there for her when she needed me. I felt guilty and apologized afterwards.

"Afternoon! I was so Worried for you yesterday! I thought you were Kidnapped or your h/p went missing! Never do that again!" It was sweet of her to be worried for me. Because Honestly, After all she been though with her last few bad friendships, I didn't think she'd care about any more of her friends. So i wasn't really expecting any sweet texts or sweet efforts from her for my birthday. Yes i know its my birthday and all but she could've just bought me presents and that's just it. I mean that's the most you could've did for if you didn't care that much.

But for her case, she went through alot of trouble for my birthday. From making a Clay Fruit Face sculpture art piece to Writing a Long sweet letter (Gonna Post in the Future), To start wearing the friendship band for two days now, To buying Movie tixs for us both and to buying a choc cupcake for me. She even fed me tho...gotta say that made my heart skip a bit. And not to forget giving me a hug. I know it dosn't sound much but it really meant alot to me.

Also i'm gonna be straight out on this one. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with befriending someone who has a crush on her and only wants to befriend her just because he still has feelings for her. Those kinds of Friendship might go two ways. The guy might lose his feelings and back away, As in throw away their friendship and became strangers just because he dosn't want to be heartbroken anymore. I did that once and i regretted it the first time.

Or the Guy could just Suck it up and be friends with the Girl. Keeping his Feelings hidden deep in his heart and hoping that one day, That feeling might fade away and they'll still be friends. Genuine friends. Best friends. It sounds like Friendzone and its exactly how i define the Term of being "Friendzoned" but i just felt like, well before i want her to be happy. Her happiness meant everything to me. Putting myself nowhere in my mind and its just her everyday. Hoping to be able to make her laugh and smile and be happy. At the same time not giving a damn care about my own self being. i tried turning myself into a robot, Reprogramming myself to be someone im not, Someone capable of making her happy. But in truth, That isen't what she wanted and its actually wrong.

So to make it Genuine, i sucked it up and tried to be myself. To Change myself at the same time of being honest and understanding, Calm for the most part. To really be myself with her, i noticed some...flaws? in being myself? I am harsh with the way i speak. If i speak to her in english, i'm calm for the most and i tried and i'm not saying i am but i tried being someone of basic Manners and to be formal to whom i speak to while speaking in english.

If i started to speak in malay however, I kinda think i sound like a "MatRep". Cursing from time to time. Perhaps its from Secondary school where i mixed around with those kind of friends. Well its not wrong i suppose but its rude if you're speaking to a lady. But hell she's a kickass girl what does she care? ahahahahlololo but anyways...getting lost in what i'm suppose to post here ohhhh right. Back to the

lmao i get lost in thought when i'm typing this most. Maybe this might even be the longest post with all the Bullshit from my heart that i flood into here.But while sitting on my ass, texting molly and telling her about how my phone was dead and how i was dead in sleep, She forgived me and she invited me to go jogging with her around semei where she lived. So we went and we jogged. While we jogged she told me that......

Alright i've really gotta put in a Part two for this post. This is getting too damn long. PArt 2! :D

March 7 (18 Alas!!)

Yup i turned 18 today and i celebrated one of da best Birthday surprises ever for meh and its from Molly :3 Loving her. We met up in school and it was normal for us. A Normal Day Alas without any Arguments. The days where the Roller Coaster ride didn't have any slopes and flew into the sky and we're still flying in it.

We planned to eat some Pizza at Pizza Hutt @ DowntownEast. Planned to meet up infront of Pasir Ris Mrt Station at e entrance to white Sands Mall. We planned to meet up at 4pm and i got there at 3:50pm. Just in time. So i waited...and i waited...and i waited..Seeing trains arriving on the train platform above and seeing Passengers enter and exit the station but none of them were Molly. So i was thinking..."Da Faq is she?" But i was Patient, Always has and always will be. Kept on waiting till about 4:13pm, Molly's Second sis texted me saying that Molly just left home. I was like "Oh" lol i wasn't mad or anything, just annoyed that she was late.

Since i was waiting for her all alone and had nobody to talk to, i texted with her sis alil. She's a great lady and funny for the most time. Turns out, Molly arrived at 4:40pm I waited for her for about 50mins. And damn i was surprised at how patient i can get. She apologized and i forgived, saying that her punishment for being late will be to eat more Pizza's. She gave me that "What the fuck..that isen't even a Punishment" with a smile. It makes me happy to spoil her at time but i don't wanna ruin her by making it a habbit. So we looked around and finally found Pizza Hutt which turns out to be an Outlet that's based for Delivery and not a Restaurant Outlet. We were dissapointed but i knew that we have domino's somewhere around there and Saprino's which if its how you even spell it. Seperino? i dunno.

Since we never tried Seperino's before, we decided to try it out. Its on the First floor of Ehub and its right infront of the Bowling place..whatever yes the Bowling alley place. We ordered our pizza and sat down. While waiting for the Pizza to arrive, Molly said that she has to be excused to head to the washroom. So she went up the escalator.

Afew Mins after she left, I kinda wondered where the closest Washroom was, I knew that MOST malls in singapore has a Washroom for each level. So i turned around and Noticed a Washroom on our level but Molly went up to the level above. I figured well maybe she didn't noticed that there was a washroom around so i didn't thought anything about that. The food came but Molly didn't and soo i waited again. When she finally came back and sat down, I asked her where was the Tissues that she wanted to get since that was the Sole reason she wanted to go to the Washroom. She said she had to wipe her face and used the Tissues there.

There i was again clueless at how weird Molly was but still didn't suspected anything. She then asked me for a lighter, saying that she wanted to smoke. I was like...."Ok the food is coming, you can smoke later after we eaten." She didn't gave up on my lighter tho and i was starting to suspect something. She then asked what brand my Lighter was. I told her it was from BIC and she said that she wanted to see it. I figured it was just an Excuse that she wanted to smoke so i didn't gave it to her. She persuaded me saying that she's not even gonna smoke here in the Mall so i figured its not such a big deal, maybe letting her hold onto my lighter would make her keep Quiet. Its like handling a child and its cute. She then did something with the lighter under the table and before long, Popped out a Small Choc Cupcake with a Candle ontop of it.

It was a shock and it was heartwarming. I didnt expect that she'd get something for me on the day itself  because before, she told me that she didn't get to work and is held back on her pay to get me any presents. I didn't mind about presents tho, Getting to meet her is the best present she could give me. She also handed me a Round Box tied in a white ribbon. It was my presents inside. When i wanted to open it, She told me not to let too many ppl see my presents. "Is it your laundry? I asked Jokingly." Turns out, Its was three pair of Topmen Boxers all of different color and design. I was like.."LOL..What?" I didn't ask her why it'll be boxers and it was damn weird to be getting underwear from your best friend. She said that she thought it was cute. Inside the box was also a small clay painted fruit with a face. She painted it herself and it'll serve as my Clay piece pillar of strength. She troubled herself to make it.
There was also a long letter which i'll post in another post...the COntents of the letter i mean. Along with that is a pair of Movie tixs to the "Wizard of Oz". She bought it with the excuse of "Going to the Washroom" That was why she was late. She also returned my friendship band which even though i thought i didn't deserve it yet for not trusting her and all, I missed wearing it as it reminds me about Molly every time i look it it.. it reminds me that i have a wonderful girl as a friend. someone who i truly treasure and someone whom i love.

I was stunned and caught offguard. I figured that since she went through alot of bad ended friendships, she would'nt care much about my birthday but it was sweet and there's nothing more i could've asked from her. It made me realized that Molly's indeed an Amazing friend and for that Moment, i fell in love with her again. I knew i can't and i secrificed that for our friendship but there was that feeling and i could'nt help it.

Along with the Presents is also a Crime Thriller book titled ANATOMY OF FEAR by JOHNATHAN SANTLOFER. it was sweet, Lovely and i could'nt ask for a better Birthday surprise. i'd hope that i could repay the same for her birthday.  After we ate we smoked and she played around with my hair trying to style it. While she was infront of me, i could'nt control my feelings. I loved her soo and it's hard to hide the feeling. I became bold and didn't care of any bad consequences that my follow after what i'm about to do. I pretended that something's on her head and held her head with my right hand. I pulled her head closer to mine and kissed her forehead. It sent a tremble in my heart as it was the first time i've kissed Molly. It was the First time i kissed someone's forehead before. And it felt Special and it was worth it because its Molly.

We watched Movie and kissing her Forehead was enough to content my heart and keep it hidden. After the Movie however, She wished me another happy birthday while we were walking to e bus stop. She stopped and spread out her hands to hug me. I froze there for a moment, Not believing the turn of events. I've always thought of Hugging her when i'm leaving for NS and kissing her cheeks before falling in with my platoon. It was a sweet moment to think of. A Sweet Moment to plan for. But she hugged me and i hugged her. My heart trembled again but i forced to keep it locked up. I was happy. Thankyou Molly.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

March 6 (I'm Weird?)

Yup Weird/Weirdo whatever, Been called that too many times to the point where i have my eyebrows raised to the climax. Lol but seriously. Got me thinking. and what's bad about it is that all the people who calls me weird is Molly's friends. What is going on? Everything was peaceful and suddenly on the way back when the chapter of the day was closing, Everything went haywire. o .o I just do get it and i don't like it. Us being in all kinds of shits because of something small or big we're just arguing/fighting alot lately. 

I hate it? Don't like it never will. I don't give a damn if you call me weird or whatever i'll just have to accept it. Its what you judge me and its who i am to you i respect that. Peace. But on another note ermm...i tried to be myself with Molly and i don't know if its going well. I have a slightly harsh way of speaking, I'll raise my voice alil even tho i'm not angry and it'll give the people an idea that i'm mad at them but No. I'm not. I'll tell you if i'm mad at you but if i'm raising my voice just to get my point over to you, Then its just me trying double hard to let you UNDERSTAND me. Really.

It all started peaceful i suppose. I woke up late because i'm not suppose to pick Molly up from school and didn't really have any motivation to wake up. Ended up waking up late, Purposely of corse i woke up to edit the alarm all the time. Came to school at nine and Molly at ten. We went for a smoke where i was given two stick by her. And i'm paying her back tomorrow. And it'll be Winston. The Cigarette brand that i DON't hate but the Cigarette Brand that i CAN'T love. its in between Loving and Hating. Yup and err....yea about the weird part. 

I donno. I don't blame anyone, I'll accept it. I'm Weird, I'm a weirdo. Moving on. Yea i can't seem to understand why our days are like following a Damn scheduled. Our Morning would be damn peaceful but when it time for us to part ways or going home, Something will happen and we'll end up arguing or losing trust in one another. Damn. What is going on? I don't know it's either we did something wrong somewhere or just a damn Sway Coincidence that we're suppose to have a fight right after a great day tgt. 

Oh yes and Tomorrow is 7th March Yup. My Birthday. Yup. Kinda Miss Luna and all but Nope, It'll at the back of my mind and i'll lock it deep in my heart till i forget about her. She gave up on me and i'm just repaying you with the same gesture lady. But yes it's my birthday and i'll be eating at Pizza Hutt with Molly. I had to lie to her again tho. My mom and sis are busy to celebrate so i only have her to celebrate with so yea. Its my money, Not my Moms. ^^

I can't tell her the truth..if i do she won't be coming along. Sorry yo ;)
err..oh yea i'm alil sick. I can't seem to eat much then how i'm used to. it like...i wanna eat but when i see a bowl of delicious porridge, My stomach turns numb and you'll feel soo damn full even on an empty stomach and just wanna puke. Thought of seeing a doc but i think i'm improving towards getting well soon. Tomorrow, have to act normal towards Molly tomorrow. Damn i don't wanna lie to her. This Money thing is the last lie i swear. If i'm still feeling the same thing while sitting down infront of pizza's, I'll tell her straight out. 

She's frying some eggs for supper. I'm gonna head in, Been feeling weak since i've been down with this....CONDITION :3 Peace Out Bitches.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

March 5 (Change)

I have to keep believing that i'll gain trust in myself and Molly's Trust. I'll have to be myself and stop giving it my all just for her happiness, Doing that makes me happy but caring for her and not caring about myself isen't right. My goals of her happiness much also be for my own happiness. Seeing her happy is my happiness but its just me giving my all for her happiness alone and not caring about myself.

I've been trying soo hard just so that she'll trust me. But things has to change. I'll have to care for my own being. To care for myself.

Fifth March. The Day Commemorates our 1 month of friendship. We've came from Strangers to Friends. But there's still lack of Trust. We don't share things that normal friends do. We're just there for each other but never having that friendly closure. I'm only expecting too much for now and that's my loss. Farid be yourself and do things that makes you happy! :)

We've had alot of arguments and i must admit all of which started from me and my problematic attitude of keeping things and lying too much. Which is why i wanna change for the better. To be honest. To change into someone whom Molly trust, Someone whom care's for himself and others. I've always been putting others before myself and look where it had gotten me. Used by my ex and abandoned by former friends just because i'm starting to be myself and starting to have the attitude of putting myself before others. They expected too much from me. They just don't understand. I'm sick of always being used and taken for granted. Abandoned when i don't put them before myself. That's how Dan is and i don't know what's wrong with Luna. But what i want is to form a trusting friendship with Molly.

It's not about putting her before me. Its about being Truthful to her. Not keeping things hidden and suffering alone. Its about me sharing my joy and pain with her. Sharing things with her to help her understand me better. That way, she'll open up to me and slowly...slowly but surely, She'll open up to me. I'll have to understand that and understand the Painful past she had. I'll have to be understanding. That's one more thing i'd like to change into. An understand person who dosn't force people to do things my way. I've always shunned Sam's Demanding attitude where else i have the same attitude as him.

Other then that, i'd hope that tomorrow will be a better day when i'll have work on changing myself for the better. I'll test out on not forcing Molly for tomorrow. Ask once and not more then that. :) I'll manage if i put my mind to it.

I asked molly to have faith in me and not give up in me. I've recently started to understand my faults and somehow, i kept denying to myself that i'm the one who's wrong. I kept telling myself that people don't understand me. It's the Pride i suppose. To keep the Winning Image that i'm right and everyone else is wrong. But no. That's not how i should be. I'm better then that and i know it. I managed to change into someone strong. I can't cry anymore over my problems and that's progress that i've changed. Now is to not be forceful and to be Understanding.

Molly is right, I lied too much just to get the things i want. Giving people a bad image and showing people that i'm the only right person around. That makes me no different that that Man of a Father i have. I despise him and i'll never be like him. He volunteered to be a bad example in my mind and i'll thank him for that. I'll work towards being someone better then him. Someone honest, Responsible, Understanding, Strong Will and Strong in controlling my emotions. Keeping my anger at bay. These i the things i want to work on.

Thanks for believing in me Molly And please, Keep believing in me and don't give up on me.

Monday, 4 March 2013

March 4 (Who am I?)

Picked up Molly at 6:40 and went to school as per normal. Didn't talk much...i guess we're  getting comfortable with each other.

I'm really alil disappointed when she didn't told me about syafiq. Syafiq Texted her saying that he missed her and all that but she didn't told me about it. I did asked her why she didn't told me and she said that i would'nt be interested in it. I was like..."Who am i really in your life?" it was have a feeling that you're nobody in the life of somebody you care for. And honestly, I'll just leave it in your hands to do whatever it is you wanna do. Besides who am i in your life?

I don't want to dwell in to much and i can't expect to much since we've been friends for just a month. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even think i should be all dramatic about Friendships....i don't care what i think anymore. Never in the first place have i cared. Its always been fine with putting Marly first. But damn it don't feel like its right anymore. I'm just gonna suck it up and pretend that nothing happened. 

I don't want to see her hurt again but then again..who am i? I don't know syafiq well so i don't have to right to say anything. I just feel worried for her sake that Something might happen. But then again...Who am i?

Saturday, 2 March 2013

March 2 (Doodling)

Didn't get to see her but she greeted me a Sweet Good Morning which i had to wake up an hour earlier and text her. But i had no problems with that. I enjoyed Texting her. Well she firstly she showed me a Math Problem which had me and my "Dad's" name in it.

Yup that's the One. Was preety like..."Damn..way to start a day with this dude on my mind" But i didn't care anyways. Its just something funny. :D She then drew me something cute.

I figured that was a house and Molly was saying something like we're living together? But turns out that's a Rocket. :) That's not a rocket silly!
And Somehow, i look kinda fat...and what's with my face? lol x3 Nevermind :) 
Well She did went jogging with her sister which is pretty neat. Gosh, Gotta go Jogging with her one day...or with my sis. Its been awhile since i went jogging. She also told me that she won't be working tomorrow and thus she won't be able to get my birthday present in time.
I'm turning 18 in four days! can you believe that? its too fast...But i don't care much about my
Presents, Having Molly with me is the only present i want. Or a Hug from her, That'll be pretty neat Lol x3  Oh and yes i've finally uploaded the Pics we took in Changi Airport
on the 1st of March yesterday :D

I feel like a Midget. :(
Her big bro will be coming over her place tomorrow so i won't be messaging her that much :)
Time for her to catch up with her bro before he'll have to leave overseas again. She gave me another surprise drawing which is preety cute tho ;)
Awwwwwwwwwwww!!! x3 Soo Cute :D
Her Moon looks like Shafiqa's FloorBall's Ball.
Ouhh Shafiqa...x3 Just kidding ;D
.......Damn son......xD ahaha
Well that's all for tonight's post. Wosh Wosh.
Oh yea Molly wants to Pierce her septum and i'm totally against that cuz it looks.... indecent for a lady. But it would'nt be wrong for her to try out i's just a pierce right? How bad
Could it be? :D I wanna be there when she's having her piercing so that i'll held her hand when she's in pain...ouhh would'nt that be cute. x3 GOGOGO!!

this is :)

Friday, 1 March 2013

March 1st (You Coward Farid!! >:( )

Its a Friday today and we didn't have classes so i figured that since we have a PLC test coming up this Monday, I want Molly to Ace the test so i planned for a study date with her at Changi Airport just to help her up. And i swear that i'd stop spending on her.

I planned to have the Study session at twelve but plans changed since i wanted to head to Friday Prayers hoping that Accepting my religion would help keep me calm. It does help and i felt calm. Finished Prayers at 2pm and took a longer time while waiting for the bus. Didn't bother much about it but ended up meeting Molly under her void at around 3pm. She waited for me for 2-3hours. We talked about stuff and i noticed that she got her cheap Monday bag delivered and she was already using it.

Disappointing thing was that it was not the real one. I wouldn't say it was a scam on the seller's part. Molly should have asked the seller if it was the Authentic version. Turns out the Seller Painted the Skull-Like Mascot onto a white bag which you could easily find for $5.
Felt bad for her but shit happens. Gotta accept that the world is a cruel place.

We walked through some Residential houses to reach our Bus Stop. There, we also talked about how pissed she was with her Job. For the Job to cancel her Work Booking and called in the Regular's which are Elderly. I can't say much but you cant just cancel someone who had booked to work. It's just not right..But these are just past and Parcel in a job. Shit happens like it does everywhere else.

When we arrived, I got some Cookies and a Coke for refreshments in-between study breaks.
I taught her the basics and the things she needed to know for PLC. I taught her preety much everything that i understood on PLC. And she caught on pretty fast. Proud of her. Gave her some Exercise on X,Y,Z Movements, Offset Methods and the Wait Time Method which she'd  understand in just a matter of two hours. I'll run through some more on what i've taught her on Monday while we're going to school.

My Mom came around while she was on break and i caught on with her. She also talked alil with Molly and even Bought Molly a cup of Sundae Ice Cream from MacD. Guess me and My mom have something in common afterall. Well played Mom x3

After My Mom Left for work, I taught Molly alil more as we sat down at the Viewing Bay in Terminal 2. After that, we smoked at Terminal 3 where she opened again on who she should invite on her chellet on her birthday. She left alot of her former friends just not to get herself hurt since they don't really deserve to have a friend like her. Hell sometimes i don't even think someone like me who lies alot and don't even have a  damn clue why he lies to deserve someone like Molly. She's precious to me and i'm worried that i'd hurt her again. If i do, I might take a step down. I don't want to hurt her which was why i asked her to bare with me. She didn't want me to promise her that i won't lie again and i understood why she took Promises are meant to be broken.

Can't blame you for the things you been through. And i even though i don't understand what you've been through, I hope i won't be an Ass and turn out to be the same as your former friends. I don't trust myself so i don't want Molly to trust me. I've been putting on a mask since i was a kid and i'll always pretend to be someone i'm not. Which now, I don't even know who i was. Who i am and who i'm suppose to be. It suck to forget your true self. Maybe i'm just being myself the whole time. Someone who lies alot and is a Coward to not being Honest. I won't accept that. And even if that is who i really am, I'll promise myself what i can't promise Molly. I promise to be honest and stop denying the truth. I won't lie again. I had to have Molly keep my friendship band because i don't deserve to wear it when i don't trust myself. ahh....damn damn damn. I'd really wanna change and change takes time.

To be Honest to myself and to others. I've stopped caring about Luna and everyone else who left. Maybe they were right...i changed. Maybe that's why Misa left. Tch i don't care anymore. To change myself is my top Priority. Once i've changed into someone Molly can trust, then and there i'll focus on making her happy. To change. I'll change. Heh i'll prove myself that i will. Hang in there for me Molly. Bare with me.

27 Feb (Don't Be A Jerk Jonny)

The day was when i was awarded "Jerk Of The Day"
Close to fucking up but it was me taking a fall.
Picked her up and had a Normal Walk to the Station. Pretty Normal and didn't expected the least the day would end in disaster. I was pretty much about to enter the Gates of Oblivion and Coming out an AssO.

She talked about how excited she was about getting her new bag which is a Cheap Monday white Side bag  with the Cheap Monday Skull-Like Mascot on it. And it was another Normal Train Ride to school. Still didn't expect i was about to enter the gates of Ob yup.

it was in school while i had my Smoke Break when i received a word of warning that my Bursary Money would be collected by "Someone" and i was warned. Pretty Disappointed but i sucked up all my sorrow and sadness up.

While in class, Molly was enjoying herself teasing me with the finger and calling me a bitch. Figured that it was her way of Cooling off somehow and i don't mind. Buttt i took a step alittle too far for my legs to catch on. I called her a Bitch. Just playing around of coarse  She didn't like that one bit. It was wrong of me to call her a bitch for she's a "Girl" and for me to call her a bitch is alil too much. We didn't talked much and again...I was disappointed with myself. God really, I've been disappointed with myself over alot of things. And they weren't just small things either. They were dick moves that i made.

I figured that if i'd acted normal, she'll cool down. Didn't work, She's still pissed off with me. So i thought...maybe my surprise for her might cheer her up alil. We had lunch at Kofu but after settling our plates on the table, i excused myself to the toilet. Actually i was also feeling damn fucked up about my Bursary probs and felt like breaking down plus the damn Disappointed feeling with myself, I could've broke down but i tried hard to swallow it down.

So i went quickly to the new Yogurt shop and grabbed two err...can't remember the name of that ice-cream-type of-Yogurt. But i surprised her and she cheered up. After that, We smoked at our usual under the void deck peaceful spot and i opened up to her my probs with the Bursary thingy. It was all cool and all and we got together well i suppose....o .o;

MoveJ, p2(0,0,100),fine,tool0;
Alright totally random Moving On.
Ermmmmm. The Drums, Cheap Monday We were in the Library and i listened to her past while she was with "M" It wasn't a sweet story to begin with. Her part was but "M" was kinda a Jerk. Didn't like her one bit that "M"..Not Molly...the Other "M"....yupp

Err Fast Forward and i raised my voice to her when i forced her to answer a question she can't answer. Dick move Bro...Dick Move. I feel like a Bitch now. Seriously.....BITCH..ME BITCH.

Cried in the Train cuz i can't hold everything together. All the things i swallowed hard to suck it up came out like Puke. Can't stop it and it all came out in tears. I couldn't control my anger and raised my voice......I HATE MYSELF...REALLY I DO. FUCK MY LIFE. SOO DAMN EMOTIONAL. WHO THE HELL RAISE THEIR VOICE TO SOMEONE THEY CARE ABOUT. WHAT KINDA GUY AM I? I'M A PUSSY THAT'S WHO. A DAMN PUSSY COWARD. -_______- Disappointment Disappointment.