Friday, 22 February 2013

Feb 20

Today was a roller coaster ride. It started off pretty fun. I picked her up and called her Repunzel  in a text message. “Repunzel oh Repunzel. Let down your hair so that I may climb to meet you J I’m here!” That was how I texted her. When she arrived, I was surprised when I first met her mom whom just sent Dania off to her school bus. I greeted her good morning and that was it. It didn’t end there though. I was worried that I might’ve said something wrong or rude but all was well in the end.
While waiting for the Train, Molly styled my hair with Wex that she brought along and It’s nice of her I suppose. It’s not always that a girl styled my hair so I suppose it’s cool.
She seems happy enough playing the Nintendo DS and I’m happy that she’s having fun. She should smile more. At class however, we can’t really do anything as Sam didn’t came and he’s suppose to coordinate the whole project as the Project was all based on his ideas so he has the Schematic s for  the Project. Mr Moner let us off to Sim Lim Tower on our own leisure to look for needed items for our projects which me and Molly then decided to use this “Leisure” to head off to Paya Labar to grab Breakfast. When we got there, We ate Nasi Ambang which was “Solid” from what Molly commented on it. It’s alright.
It was then that Patrick/Zhe Liang texted me and told me that Moner  cancelled the class after his so we’ll be able to go home at any time and most had already left. Molly can’t go home yet as her Mom would think she skipped class. So we decided to hang out after we ate.
Molly planned to Hangout at her eldest sister’s house which is in Newton. From what she told me, That house is unoccupied since the family lives with her parents. However, Her Sis is at work and the key is with her. So Chilling there won’t be an option. I then planned to use this time to invite Molly to my place and introduce her to my Granny. We agreed and so we went. When she got there, I served her as a guest as my grandmother spoke to her and asked for her help to Advice me on my attitude and behavior.
We then hung out in my room which she helped me with my Internet Connection problem. It didn’t go as planned but I ended up getting a different Connection. One that’s not as stable as the one I had before but what can I do? Thanks Molly. After that, I introduced her to my PS3 which she played Test Drive Unlimited 2. She played for awhile before I decided that Watching a Movie would’nt be that bad. So we watched Little Man.
Soon it was already about 2pm and we decided to leave for Semei . So we headed off. There, Molly cooked some Hotdogs for me which was “Solid”. We then Chilled with Dania at the playground and that was the first time I Met up with Dania.
It was there when Molly asked me some serious Questions that strongly affects our friendship and my feelings. She asked me why I’m being soo nice to her. Is it because I wanna be her friend or is it because I like her. If Its because I like her, It won’t be a genuine friendship as should my feelings fade I might leave her.
Its hard to respond to her question and at times I slipped my tongue saying out things that I wasen’t even sure of. If you’d asked me that, I’ll sacrifice my Feelings just so that I can accomplish my goals of making you happy. And I noticed that…Making her happy is just part of the Whole Picture. The Whole Picture is that I wanna be her friend. But for what reasons? I told her that I felt my love for her is fading. And what I failed to noticed at that point of time and what I failed to explain to her is that the Fading love is the Romance Love which Is fading. I’m slowly losing the Romance love I have for her. But to love her as a friend didn’t change. I still love her but it wasn’t a romantic love anymore. It was a friendship kind of love. Why did the Romance Love faded?
I suppose its because I was trying too hard and I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I want to share a genuine friendship. Me loving her makes her doubt that. Which is why I’m starting to lose the Romance Love I used to have for her. But I still love her as a friend and I will never want to leave her. My goals and dreams for her to be happy still stands and my promises of never ditching her is still Alive.
However its hard for her to believe me. As she been through a lot of broken promises and even I fucked it up once and ditched her. But that’s because I felt as if I’m just being a bother. Like as if I’m just a 3rd person between her friendship and Syafiq. It felt as if I don’t belong. Loving her is one thing…Fitting in is another. It didn’t felt right and after the SATs supervisor fucked it up, I felt as if she was avoiding me. So I suppose with all the heartache I had, I backed down.
I did my mistakes. But its not that I want to make that mistake. I regretted it. Even now, I don’t care if she don’t wish to trust me. All I care is that I want to make her happy. And I’ll push aside the issue of Trust between her and me.  I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that. Just being there for her will be enough.
So that’s that. I love Molly as a friend now and I’m sure of it. What few Romance love I still have for her will soon drain away. And we’ll be friends with no such romantic feelings for each other. It’s a sacrifice that my heart made on its own. It hurts now, But I doubt I’ll still feel the hurt in a week or so. I hope you understand Molly. Its hard for me to explain as I didn’t really understood myself. You didn’t understood because I failed to explain. But I hope this post will be enough. 

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